| I don't know whats wrong with me. |
[05 Jan 2006|04:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Pensando En Ti" By Maria Bestar |
] |
I really don't. I think theres something wrong with me mentally, and I need to see some kind of psychatrist. I'm not stable in anyway. I don't think I'm stable enough to be in the kind of relationship I am right now. Thats not to say I don't love Drew... I do. He's one of the best things thats happened to me, I think. But... but I know he's not happy in our relationship. Even when we're happy and laughing together... I can see it in his eyes. He's not happy. I think sometimes I'm all together too much for him. I think he's too much for me. And often, I don't know anything. I just sit around and cry. Curled up in a ball on the shower floor, steaming hot water pouring all around me, but I can't feel it. I only feel the tears streaming down my face. At nite, alone in my bed, cuddling the extra pillow as though it was a true being. I cry... it seems like thats all I do now. Cry. I need to get away from everything. School, my apt, drew, work... I want to take a roadtrip, far far away, just to get fresh air, and breathe. I don't want to cry anymore. I want... I need... I need to smile. I need to be able to take a breathe of fresh air, exhale, and breathe.
|
|
| I try not to think about it. |
[27 Sep 2005|02:48am] |
|
I don't think about it often. But sometimes, I can't help it. And during those brief periods... I just want to do something unspeakable. To hurt him so bad. Not physically. emotionally. Something so he'd never forget the pain he caused.
|
|
| New Playlist. |
[04 Sep 2005|07:57am] |
Don't know where this came from.
Mariah Carey - Shake it off
Shakira - Objection (Tango)
Anastasia - One Day In Your Life
Christina Aguilera - Fighter
Kimberly Locke - Wrong
Madonna - The Power of Goodbye
Pat Benatar - Fire and Ice
Pink - You Make Me Sick
Thalia - You Knoew He Never Loved You
Vannessa Carlton - White Houses
Yeah.
|
|
| Better to win by admitting my sins then to lose with a halo. |
[31 Aug 2005|10:43am] |
So I'm finally back at school, today is the first day of classes. I just had my first class, an hour break, and then class again. Thats how my whole schedule is for today. Personally I hate it, I like to have all my classes backtobacktoback, for convenince. Its like high school all over again, and then I'm done for the day. But nope, I hate this hour break tween each class. thanks god I have a laptop and can connect pretty much anywhere on campus. My first class, Anth211, Cultural Anthropology I have with Grace. Nice to see a familiar face. Lol, She made me happy, she said I look really good. And my skin looked really clear. Lol. And then we got into a talk about how that meant last year my skin was really gross. Oh Grace, I'm so gonna miss haveing her one door down from my room, but at least she's not too far, like in Patapsco or anything. Just down the hill in hillside or terrace or whatever. The convo was actually really great, we hadn't talked in two, three months and we just clicked like it was only yesterday we last hung out.
And I think the guys have gotten more attractive this year too. Last year I didn't see to many, this year people just walk by and I'm like "damn. Where did you come from?" Not that it really matters to much to me anyways.
Me and Drew are still going strong. He's my baby. I heart him. Really. I think I'm in love with him. Anyways, I have class in 20 minutes, Gotta get!
|
|
|
[03 Aug 2005|12:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Listen to Your heart" by DHT |
] |
I basically just woke up, and I had this really weird, depressing dream last night, I wanna write it down before I forget it.
Basically, me and Drew were in Drew's room, except it wasn't Drew's room, it was built in the same shape and such as the Old Tyme Photo place where I work. So it had these three small, extra rooms that branched off on one side, about the size of a walk in closet each one is. Anyways,me and Drew we're watching TV, and he got a phone call. He wouldn't tell me who it was, but I could tell it was def a guys voice. After he got off the phone, he got all sad and depressed. He wouldn't really talk to me, he just rolled over and kept staring out the window. Then he got up, grabbed a notebook and locked himself in one of other rooms. I kinda stayed on his bed for a bit, then he turned on the radio and put a cd in or something, cuz then "you and me" by lifehouse could be heard from the room he was in, on repeat. I stayed there on his bed, now knowing what to do, until I realized he left his cell phone in the room I was in. Sooo I looked at the cell phone, and the last call was from Matt. At that, I got up and told Drew I was leaving. There was a little shuffling around inside the room he was in, and as he opened the door, I woke up.
Alrighty. Story time is over.
|
|
| hooters girls |
[24 Jul 2005|07:58pm] |
I heard a radio ad today, they're hiring hooters girls for a nearby restaurant they're opening. The ad said come "dressed to impress" so I sent out a mass text message, asking people if that meant, in regards to a hooters interview, come dressed like a slut, and I got my favorite response from Katrina. She wrote:
"It means, come prepared to eat cock"
^_^
I loves you katrina.
|
|
|
[19 Jul 2005|12:56am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Happy but Confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Breathe (2 AM)" By Anna Nalick |
] |
Ok, wow. Up and down, rollar coaster issues I have. So since my last entry... the one who inspired me to write as I did in that entry... yeah, me and him are together now. Um. Crazy, I know. Honestly, I'm a little nervous about this relationship... I'm unsure how far it'll go. Don't get me wrong, I like him. It was just like a 180 degrees turn... one second he tells me theres nothing, the next he asks me out. I've said that I wanna take things slow, yet I've kind of gone faster than I have in previous relationships. I'm filled with about twenty million different emotions... I like him, I don't wanna get hurt, I'm confused as to the sudden turnaround, Paranoia, etc, etc. Honestly, I don't know why I'm worried. It's not like he's been bad to me or whatever, ya know, since we started dating. Actually, its been really nice. But those who know me know I get paranoid easily, though I try not to. But the fact of the matter is that... I mean, given the way things were right before he asked me out... can you blame me? Argh, I'm so confused. So so so confused. Unfortunetly though, it is almost one in the AM, and I have to get up at 8AM. Work sucks. Concerning Work though, on a good note... I get paid tomorrow!! Oh yeah baby, show me the money.
|
|
| Choking On Nothing. |
[11 Jul 2005|08:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"On My Own" By The Used |
] |
It was exactly as I expected, So I'm not too surprised. I just feel like a complete ass for making such a huge fool of myself. It's like this one line from a song by Poe, "Wild", it goes "So this is what it's living in limbo, first I'm high then I'm solo"
I'm filled with a full head of emotions. I was warned against this, I know. Sharonda, Justin, my own conscience. I played right into it, I'm so great and awesome. He said there's no sexual attraction. But there was enough for him to use me for a threesome right? Argh, I want to cry I feel like a fucking whore, all for him. whywhywhy? I miss Lynee, my shoulder to cry on. She was always there for me, no matter what. I need her now.
I just continued to hold on to what I knew from when we first met, when he was apparently really excited to have met me. So I was like yes, haha, awesome. No. I'm sorry I'm too ugly, too fat, too hairy, that I don't wear tight ass clothes or work out regularly. I hate this. Now what do I do?
|
|
| My red bull exploded in my pants!!! |
[10 Jul 2005|02:42am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"You Know He Never Loved You" By Thalia |
] |
So it was quite interesting, after we, we being Sharonda and me, left Drew's house tonite. I had left my car at Sharonda's house, so we were driving there, and I didn't feel like going home, neither did she, so we just decided to take a walk around her neighborhood, ended up walking up to the drivethru at Dunkin Donuts and ordering 25 munchkins, I still have about 10 left. We were eating them in front of the store, sitting on the curb, and we met these three high school kids, Evan, John, and Garza. Evan was fucking hilarious, John and Garza pretty cool too. And Evan and John we're really cute too. I was like wow. If Evan would cut his hair, he'd be alot hotter. Anyways, it was just all around good times, followed by the walk back to her house, and then my drive back home. Like I said, all around good times, goooood times.
|
|
|
[08 Jul 2005|01:25pm] |
|
Sooo Last night was really interesting, went to Apex with Russell, Andre, Sarah, Sharonda and Drew. Got lost on the way out of DC, but then had some really interesting conversations on the drive back. Can’t get into what about, but if you’re special enough, you’ll find out soon enough anyways. That’s as much as the general population gets to know. Gotta jet now, talk to everyone later.
|
|
| Is there room for me in your one man show? |
[05 Jul 2005|02:26am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 accomplished |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Don't Cha Wanna Ride" by Joss Stone |
] |
Ok, So my last entry was rather depressing. And long, as my entries go. Today, I went to work, like I usually do, and my manager had the Joss Stone CD, Mind, Body and Soul. I asked her if I could borrow it, and I was rocking out to it for awhile, then I listened to the song "don't cha wanna ride" and now I've realized I'm taking things to seriously. This would be the second time Joss Stone helped me realize something. I so wish my cd wasn't jammed in my car cd player.
Anyways. Thats all.
But I never seem to catch your eye
And it's been buggin' me why I even try
Still you're someone I'd like to get to know
Is there room for me in your one-man show
|
|
| I can't do anything right. |
[04 Jul 2005|12:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Hilary Duff, "Come Clean" |
] |
I find myself comparing myself on every level with whatshisface. What I know about him, anyway. I can't win, I just can't. I was sooo glad to get away from umbc. Away from Joe, away from thinking about Gregg and Sean. and then when things look oh so great and dandy... Oh, hi Fab, my name is God and I'm pissing in your mouth. PISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. You like that Fab? yeah, you love it. Here's some more.
Its like a cycle. By the end of the summer, once It was time for me to go to umbc, I was so ready for it. Bowie was killing me. I hate Gay Drama. I realllly do. The only real part that I missed was Lynee. LYnee. Lynee. I'ma say it again, Lynee. I didn't realize how strong a relationship, or how much she meant to me until like a week ago. Being back in Bowie without her... Bowie is so empty. I don't even really wanna see Sarah. I spend my days working, and then on whatever free I day I may have, which I cherish, with Drew. Free days I cherish spent with Drew, anyone see the crazy connection? Of course, who are we talking about again? Me, Fab. So here comes God with the pissing. Things'll be great for a bit, then sucky, then great, then sucky. Up and down and up and down and up and down. Fucking roller coasters. The easy way out is just to blame Dan for making me the paranoid fucker that I am. I don't remember being like this before him. Granted, he was my first real boyfriend. But I'm not gonna blame shit on him, for once. NO FABRICIO, NOT THE EASY WAY FOR YOU THIS TIME.
When you work hard for something, the rewards you reap at the end seem that much greater. Because you worked hard. Dan, one night. Gregg, a couple weeks. I don't want that.
He comes with his own set of issues, but then we all do. Mine? I'm paranoid by nature about everything. I'm convinced the world is out to get me. I always imagine the worst case scenario first. I can be very vain, I'm an asshole. I just generally suck at life.
The only person who actually, really saw all of that shit, and didn't care? Lynee.
I don't want to get attached. He has a point. A strong point. I don't know what to say.
|
|
| Too True |
[01 Jul 2005|01:22pm] |
Aries - Your Love Profile
Your positive traits:
You're quite the charmer. You've got the wit and attitude to attract almost anyone you meet.
Out spoken and honest, any date knows how they stand with you.
Fearless, independent, and willing to try anything twice - your dates should expect the unexpected.
Your negative traits:
You tend to be vain, and you expect your partner to feed that vanity often with complements.
Hot tempered and impulsive, you've occasionally ended things ... only to reget it later.
You're obsessed with being the best, most loved girlfriend or boyfriend your sweetie's ever had.
Your ideal partner:
A risk taking, free spirit like yourself - who can keep up with your latest wild child antics.
Someone stylish, attractive, and fit... who can keep you attracted for months.
Is hard to get - and lets you pursue things. You prefer to be the chaser, not the one being chased.
Your dating style:
Wild, unpredictable, fun, and daring. Your ideal date may involve a couple motorcycles or naked skydiving.
Your seduction style:
Honest and direct - you have no need for romance or much foreplay.
Show off. You like to show your lover how you're the best ever.
Ambitious. You often like to go all night - or aim for multiple orgasms.
Tips for the future:
Start to believe in second and third chances. You don't have to dump them so fast.
Savor the process. Sometimes the best part of falling in love is taking things in slow motion.
Let go of comparisons. If someone's with you, then you've already one. Stop worrying about exes.
Best place to meet someone online:
Match.com - honest and straightforward profiles, just how you like them!
Best color to attract mate: Red
Best day for a date: Tuesday
Get your free love profile at Blogthings.
|
|
|
|
[30 Jun 2005|11:13am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"You And Me" By Lifehouse |
] |
The past few days have been really weird. My Mom and Dad decided to leave town, so I was left with the house to myself, which was nice. Drew came over and spent the nite here, seeing as he needed a place to stay, so for at least three nights he had a place. Everything started off rather well... and from there, I don't know what happened. In fact, NOTHING happened. Reading his blog, he says that everything has been hitting him now, everything thats been happening over the past few days. I'm not going to get into that, thats his business, and not my deal to give it out.
But because of that, I have no idea how he feels about me anymore. It was obvious, before, that he harbored some feeling for me. Now, I don't know. I don't know. I want to cry. It would definetly be a nice option. Instead, I'm gonna listen to music and rock out to the new playlist on my ipod. Take my mind off things, because once I start thinking about things, I'll just keep going and going and going.
|
|
| In this Distant Town |
[21 Jun 2005|02:52am] |
Tonite, As I drove home from Drew's house, I had my ipod on random, just listening to whatever my ipod felt like playing. And on came a song I had not heard in ages. The theme song of the 1st Cardcaptor Sakura Movie. We must all understand that the song was in Japanese, I understand three words of the song (It's My Life), and had not heard the song in forever. Yet, I remembered every word of the song.
A couple days ago I bought the second Cardcaptor Movie, I think its time I got the first one too.
I think my cardcaptor collection on the whole needs to be completed.
And thats something I've decided I'm gonna do.
|
|
| rant |
[11 Jun 2005|11:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 annoyed |
] |
Scenesters annoy me.
Who really gives a shit about a bunch of no-name bands that all sound a like and therefore really don't have much of a chance to get out of the "scene" anyway?
And if they do garner any mainstream popularity, they are pretty much disowned by the scene?
Some people are gonna chew me out for saying this, but the fact of the matter is, its true. Deal.
|
|
| Jumping the bandwagon |
[31 May 2005|11:24pm] |
|
Comment anonymously, with anything. You can write a confession, tell me a secret, tell me a story, tell me you hate me, tell me you love me, tell me of your biggest fear, tell me of your greatest dreams, write something that you wouldn't normally feel comfortable writing, talk of a time during which you felt unbelievably sad, talk of a time during which you felt insanely happy, or simply let me know how you're doing. Whatever you say, though, make it anonymous.
|
|
|
[19 May 2005|02:04am] |
"no voy a amar la idea de ti."
I love that line, its from a song.
"I'm not going to love the idea of you."
|
|
|
[19 May 2005|01:28am] |
I go through periods where i listen to one kind of music more than another.
For instance, a couple weeks ago was alot of Shakira, Mariah Carey, Kelly Clarkson.
Recently its been The Faint, CellDweller and 30 Seconds to Mars.
Explain this to me.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
ketotek's journal